Family - My Warrior Mom Life

Exciting Ways to Keep Learning Enjoyable for Your Child

In an era where education often feels like a chore, finding inventive ways to spark a lifelong passion for learning in your child is crucial. As a parent, you hold the power to transform learning from a mundane task into an exciting adventure. Here are some effective strategies to keep learning enjoyable and a thrilling journey for your little ones, courtesy of My Warrior Mom Life.

Explore the World Together

One of the most dynamic methods to nurture a love for learning is by stepping out of the conventional classroom environment. Take your child to museums where history comes alive, science centers where they can touch and interact with exhibits, or nature trails that offer lessons in biology and conservation firsthand. Attending cultural events can also broaden their understanding of the world, allowing them to experience diversity in thought and lifestyle firsthand.

Set Goals as a Team

Collaboration in education strengthens the bond between you and your child and emphasizes the value of goals. Sit down together to discuss and set achievable learning objectives that are tailored to their interests and capabilities. This process not only motivates them but also teaches valuable skills in planning and responsibility. Whether it’s mastering a new math concept or completing a book, reaching these goals together can turn learning into a celebrated shared endeavor.

Model the Joy of Learning

When you dive into furthering your education, such as pursuing an online degree, you set a powerful example for your child. Engaging in studies like psychology allows you to delve into the intricacies of human behavior and cognitive processes, and this program can help you get started—check it out for more info. By balancing this pursuit with your other responsibilities, you showcase the lifelong value of education and personal growth, teaching your child that learning doesn’t have to stop at any age.

Engage with Hands-On Experiences

Swap passive screen time for active, hands-on learning to keep your child engaged. Activities that require interaction and manipulation, like science experiments, cooking, or art projects, make learning tangible and fun. These activities foster creativity and problem-solving skills, offering a more stimulating alternative to the passive reception of information through screens.

Foster a Love for Reading

Dedicate time each day for reading to develop a lifelong reading habit. Choose a variety of books that align with your child’s interests to keep them intrigued and invested, and pick one to read together. Reading not only improves language skills but also opens doors to different worlds and ideas. This daily habit can become a cherished part of your child’s routine, setting the foundation for continuous learning and curiosity.

Cultivate Critical Thinking

Encourage your child to think critically by asking questions that stimulate reflective thought and imagination. Instead of questions with straightforward answers, pose scenarios that require them to consider different outcomes or solutions. This method enhances their analytical skills and encourages a deeper understanding of the content, helping them to apply knowledge in various situations.

Learn in Groups

Group learning can be a fun and effective educational approach. Organize small study groups with your child’s friends or involve family members in learning activities. This social interaction enhances learning, as children often enjoy sharing knowledge and skills in a group setting. It can also lead to innovative ideas and solutions, showing them the value of collaboration and diverse thinking.

Celebrate Learning Achievements

Acknowledging your child’s successes, no matter how small, significantly boosts their self-esteem and affirms their efforts. Whether it’s a breakthrough in a science project or a step forward in reading skills, seize every chance to celebrate. This recognition not only cultivates a positive outlook on education but also drives their ambition to continue exploring and learning. Each celebration acts as a stepping stone, reinforcing their desire to achieve and learn more.

Transforming learning into a fun and engaging experience requires creativity, commitment, and enthusiasm from both you and your child. By integrating these strategies into your educational approach, you not only enhance your child’s cognitive and emotional development but also instill a robust appreciation for the lifelong journey of learning.

Finding a New Home: Navigating Change with Your Adopted Child

Relocating to a new home is a significant milestone for any family, particularly for those with an adopted child who may face unique challenges during this transition. Understanding and addressing these specific needs is crucial for ensuring a positive experience. This My Warrior Mom Life guide offers tailored advice to help adoptive families navigate the complexities of the home buying and selling process, fostering a smooth and nurturing move.

Building Trust Through Communication

Effective communication plays a crucial role in preparing adopted children for the transition of moving homes. Open, age-appropriate conversations about the reasons and expectations for the move are essential. It is important to recognize and affirm their feelings, addressing any concerns with empathy and reassurance. This not only lays a foundation of trust and security but also helps in fostering a sense of belonging and involvement in the family’s journey, ensuring the child feels heard and an integral part of the decision-making process. Additionally, this approach can significantly aid in easing any anxieties associated with the change, helping them to adapt more comfortably to their new environment.

Protect Your Investment with a Home Warranty

Investing in a home warranty for your new home is a smart move to safeguard against unexpected and costly repairs to your appliances or home systems. With a home warranty in place, you can have peace of mind knowing that essential repairs are covered, helping you avoid the financial strain of sudden breakdowns. To further enhance your protection, look for the electronics insurance option, which can cover the cost of repairing or replacing computers, televisions, certain smart home products, and more.

Leveraging Online Resources for Home Searching

Utilize online tools and resources to research potential homes and neighborhoods. Look for areas that are not only safe and child-friendly but also culturally diverse and inclusive. Online forums and community groups can provide valuable insights into the neighborhood’s culture and community spirit, aiding in making an informed choice.

Choosing an Energy-Efficient Home

Finding an energy-efficient home is a smart, sustainable choice that benefits both your wallet and the environment. These homes are designed with features like improved insulation, energy-saving appliances, and renewable energy sources to reduce energy consumption. Not only do they help lower monthly utility bills, but they also contribute to a healthier planet by reducing your carbon footprint.

The Advantage of Early Planning

Begin your moving preparations early, particularly for families with adopted children who might need extra time to adjust to the idea of relocating. A well-planned move reduces stress and provides a sense of control and predictability. This is especially beneficial for adopted children, who may have experienced instability in their early lives.

Moving Your Business

Relocating your business is a significant undertaking that requires careful planning and communication. It’s essential to keep your team informed throughout the process and establish a clear timeline, starting from the moment you decide to move. You can also reduce downtime by working remotely.

Preparing for the New Environment for the Adopted Child

Acclimatize your child to the new home and surroundings before the move. Visit local landmarks, future schools, and community centers together. This helps build a sense of familiarity and anticipation, easing the transition and making the new environment less daunting.

Cost-Effective and Personalized Moving Strategies

Involve your child in the moving process, perhaps by letting them choose decorations for their new space. Opt for the help of friends and family during the move rather than hiring professionals. This approach not only saves costs but also provides a familiar and supportive environment during the transition. Furthermore, using recycled or donated packing materials can be a cost-effective and environmentally friendly option.

Moving with adopted children requires thoughtful consideration and sensitivity to their unique experiences and needs. By following these comprehensive strategies, adoptive families can ensure a nurturing and supportive transition into their new home. This journey, when navigated thoughtfully, can strengthen family bonds and provide a foundation for a happy and secure future in your new home.

How to Plan for the Next School Break

Image via Pexels

How to Plan for the Next School Break

Children go to school 180 days a year, leaving you with little time to enjoy as a family during the school year. However, winter break usually lasts a little over a week, and spring break is only a few days, both of which are prime times for you and your family to spend quality time together. Today, My Warrior Mom Life has some tips to help make the next break more special.

Mini Vacation Destinations Ideas

While your children are home from school, plan a mini vacation. Visit a local inn or hotel with a pool. Consider having dinner delivered to your room as you and the entire family lounge in your pajamas, just relishing your time together.

Instead of an overnight trip, take day trips, and visit different local destinations during the break. For instance, visit a science center, play center, museum, library, or planetarium. Try to vary what you do, so all your children do something they enjoy. It also keeps your kids interested and entertained throughout the break.

Stay-at-Home Vacation Ideas

If you have to work during the kids’ school break and can’t get away, a road trip is probably out of the question. However, with a little planning, a winter or spring break at home can be just as entertaining.

First, stay as comfortable as possible. It’s easier to run after the children if you wear something comfortable, like this lounge dress; click here to plan ahead and purchase a few new comfy clothing items. Your children may appreciate a new pair of pajamas, too, so they can remain comfortable, as well.

While you’re at home, consider scheduling a day to play board games or do arts and crafts. Designate one evening as a movie night where the family snuggles in the living or family room. When you’re deciding on a movie, it’s best to take a vote. Another idea is to have a spa day and pretend you and your family are lounging at a luxury resort.

Preparing for the Vacation

Whether you’re planning to go away for the school break or stay home, start prepping for this time in advance. Finish all the laundry, run any errands, and clean the house before the school break. Don’t forget to go grocery shopping and select snacks everyone loves. Once you handle those tasks, you have nothing to focus on other than enjoying your time with the family.

Rules to Make the Most of This Time

Make it a time for little to no electronics. Savor every moment you can together without any distractions. Although your children may be a bit frustrated at first, once they’re having fun, they’re likely to forget all about their phones and tablets. Stick together most of the time to encourage interaction rather than having everyone disperse into their rooms. Also, avoid letting the kids stay up extremely late, so they wake up at a reasonable time and are in good spirits the next day.

Make the Next School Break a Time To Remember

With a game plan, you can make your children’s next school break a time for family and one they may remember forever. A little planning can make it more memorable (and less stressful) for you, as well.

My Warrior Mom Life is here to help parents like you navigate the modern world. Click here if you have any questions!

7 Simple Steps to Get Better Sleep and Wake Up Refreshed

It’s a common misconception that adults don’t need much sleep, but the truth is that sleep is essential for our overall health and well-being. It helps our bodies to recharge and repair, improves our memory and cognitive performance, and reduces stress levels. In this My Warrior Mom Life blog post, we will discuss seven simple steps you can take to help you sleep better and wake up feeling refreshed.

Optimize Your Sleep Environment

Your sleep environment plays a significant role in how well you sleep. It would be best if you had a cool, dark, and quiet room to help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep. Invest in light-blocking curtains, earplugs, or noise-canceling headphones if you live in a noisy area. Make sure your mattress and pillows are comfortable and supportive. Remove all electronics from your bedroom, including your phone, TV, or laptop.

Avoid Heavy Meals before Bedtime

Eating a heavy meal before bed can lead to an uncomfortable night of sleep. This is because it can cause indigestion, reflux, or heartburn, which can disrupt your rest. To avoid this, it’s best to eat your last meal at least two hours before bedtime and opt for a light snack if you feel hungry. Bananas, yogurt, or nuts are good options that won’t leave you feeling too full.

Focus on Walking More Every Day

Walking is an excellent low-impact exercise that can help you sleep better. It increases your endorphin levels, which boosts your mood and reduces stress and anxiety. Aim to walk for at least 30 minutes every day, preferably outside in a pedestrian-friendly neighborhood (areas with high walk scores usually have parks and activities nearby). You can also try walking meditation, where you focus on your breathing and your surroundings while walking slowly.

Try Aromatherapy

Aromatherapy is a natural way to promote relaxation and improve sleep quality. Essential oils like lavender, chamomile, and valerian root are popular choices for their calming properties. They can be used in various ways such as adding a few drops to bathwater, diffusing them in the bedroom, or using them in massage oil to help you unwind and get a good night’s sleep.

Listen to Calming Music

Listening to calming music before bedtime can help you relax and fall asleep faster. Choose slow, instrumental music with a low tempo and no lyrics. Some people prefer nature sounds such as ocean waves, rain, or bird songs. You can use a smart speaker, headphones, or a white noise machine to listen to your favorite music.

Limit Caffeine Intake

Caffeine is a powerful stimulant that can interfere with your sleep and keep you awake at night. It’s important to avoid consuming coffee, tea, or soda at least four hours before bedtime. If you’re in need of an energy boost during the day, try drinking green tea instead as it contains less caffeine than coffee but still provides a natural source of energy.

Durable and Breathable Cotton Bedding

Your bedding is a vital component in determining the quality of your sleep. Therefore, it is important to invest in new cotton bedding that is durable and breathable. Cotton, being a natural fiber, promotes air circulation, ensuring that you stay cool and comfortable throughout the night. Additionally, cotton is easy to maintain and lasts longer than synthetic materials, making it an excellent choice for your bedding.

Getting better sleep is not rocket science, but it does require some effort and discipline. By optimizing your sleep environment, walking more every day, investing in new cotton bedding that’s durable and breathable, and more, you can improve your sleep quality significantly. Remember, the key is to be consistent and patient. Give these tips a try and see how they work for you.

Beginning in Business: Advice for Aspiring ‘Mompreneurs’ (Guest Post)

by Cheryl Conklin
cherylc@wellnesscentral.info
Wellness is central to a happy life.

Being a “mompreneur” comes with some built-in challenges, often in the form of cute but demanding tinier versions of yourself. Getting into a good rhythm that allows you to be successful both in business and motherhood can take some time. You can save yourself some hours and energy, though, if you start from a place of solid information and practical advice.

1. Find the Right Business

Deciding what you want to pursue may come easy to you. You might have a hobby you’ve wanted to take to a professional level for a while. For others, the decision of what business to pursue might be more difficult.

Either way, you’ll need to find something that fits into your schedule. Assess how much time and what time you are able to devote to your business. For those with children not in school yet, flexibility may be the most important feature of a job. In those cases, freelance work or work that you can otherwise complete during the time you can grab throughout a day of parenting might be best.

Whatever your background, freelance opportunities abound: writing, bookkeeping, website development, and many more freelance jobs allow you to choose your own hours and work at your own pace. Moneymint.com lists a number of freelance marketplaces, such as Fiverr and Upwork, which are solid places to establish yourself as a freelancer and find freelance jobs.

Creatives who craft or create art can also work on their own time, and there are a variety of online marketplaces that allow you to see in exchange for seller’s fees. Many choose to start on these websites while building clientele on their own websites and social media shops so that they can eventually sell without having to pay seller fees.

2. Create Boundaries

In order to achieve a healthy work-life balance, boundaries must be set. When you’re in the home, it is difficult for your family to recognize you might have responsibilities other than those associated with being a mom, so it’s vital that you establish boundaries early on to demonstrate to your family your time, space, and attention is valuable elsewhere. If possible, set up a place in the home that can be off-limits to your family at all times. That way, your family will have a visual for your business that will help them recognize and respect your work.

Like physical boundaries, having your own time also will be necessary. Carve out specific times during the way when your family members know they should only access you when necessary. This can be tricky with very little ones, but your toddler’s or baby’s naptime can be a convenient time to sneak away. You can also utilize times when they may be especially calm each day: after lunch, for example, when they might enjoy a few minutes of play or television to themselves.

3. Get Educated

The business world is evolving every day, and online businesses are growing more rapidly than ever. Consider taking business classes in your free time to understand nuanced business practices and give yourself an edge over competitors. With hundreds of MBA programs available fully online, earning your degree at your own pace has never been more accessible.

Running a business while running a household is a challenge, but it’s one that mothers everywhere are embracing. With the right tools and knowledge, you can build a successful business from the comfort of your home and give your children a role model they can look up to up close: their mom.

Image via Pexels

Does Your Teen Stay Up All Night and Sleep All Day?

Mine does! I know I’m not alone as a parent concerned with this type of sleep pattern. My son recently turned 19 and is old enough to schedule his own sleep cycle. He is a “night owl”. He loves to play video games during the calm of the middle of the night. He watches Hulu, Netflix shows and Star Wars movies while most of us are sleeping. He Snapchats with friends and Facetimes with his long distance girlfriend (she lives in Canada, we are in California) at 1am, 2am and even later.

As teens head toward adulthood (at least in chronological terms), their lives become their own to manage. They are developing their own sense of self and what’s important to them. The connection with friends has always been easier for my son online, rather than in person in many instances. That was true before he went away for treatment and especially now, while at home during our pandemic.

My son will often stay up until 3am, 4am or 5am and sleep until noon, 1pm or 2pm. This pattern is fairly standard, even with his work schedule, which is right now just one day a week, at the local grocery store. He has complained for a long time that he just can’t get to sleep at night, even with some reinforcement by his taking the natural aid of melatonin.

We know he’s up at night because of the sounds of frequent trips into the kitchen: cupboards opening and closing, the refrigerator door opening the closing, as well as the washing machine for his weekly laundry. We joked with him recently as he started a load of laundry at 11pm, that it seemed awfully early to be doing laundry! He didn’t find it too funny. I guess laundry isn’t funny!

The phenomena of staying up all night and sleeping all day has been reported recently in the media. One commentary titled: Let Your Teens Stay Up All Night, And Other Pandemic Parenting Advice by Marlene Major from May 19, 2020, notes:

“Adults tend to do best with normal sleep and wake cycles. But our teens and college students might actually benefit from living in opposition to our values and expectations.”

Another article in the Boston Globe entitled: “Teens up all night and sleeping half the day. Endless Netflix binges. In lock down, kids carve out whole new schedules” by Hayley Kaufman points out that teens are also struggling during the pandemic and their schedules have turned them into “vampires”.

Ms. Kaufman quotes Dr. Stuart Ablon, the director of Think:Kids, a program in the department of psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital:

“Seeing points of friction through a different lens can provide a lift for parents. Take sleep schedules, for example. According to experts, staying up later and sleeping in fits better with teenagers’ biology. Optimally, teens need eight to 10 hours of sleep a night. Their circadian rhythms tend to make them night owls, something early school start times and bus schedules can wreak havoc with during a normal academic year.”

We are fortunate that my son’s school is out of session currently and if he does have classes for college in the fall, they will most likely be online, in the evening. We have also talked to our son about his current sleep patterns and it is clear to us that he is not concerned or worried about the hours he keeps. Having talked to other parents, I know my son is not the only one! As with other behaviors, it comes down to what a parent or family can accept vs what issues they want to take on.

On the positive side, a benefit when he is sleeping during the day, is that the house is very quiet and it is without any conflict. He doesn’t complain about typical noises coming from our kitchen, as we prepare breakfast and use the blender for smoothies. His best self comes out during our common time, in the early evening. We usually meet up in the kitchen and have quick conversations, as his mood or wake-up level may dictate. At 8pm, he is just gearing up for a long night ahead!

Another article from The New York Times published in 2019 called: “When Your 200-Month-Old Can’t Sleep Through the Night” by Perri Klass, M.D. states that their may be many factors can affect teens and their sleep:

“Social media and electronic devices in the bedroom. Intensely caffeinated drinks. The pressures of heavily overloaded schedules, including academic demands, extracurricular activities, travel sports teams, jobs and social lives.“

What teen is without these things in their lives? Very few. So it is possible that the valuable “good sleep” is something our teens are missing from their development and may prevent them from performing at their best. The article goes on to say that if something is important enough, then solutions can be found: turning screens at night and avoiding caffeine can help, along with practicing consistent bedtime patterns. We have tried mentioning those ideas and others, like using a phone garage that can “park” their phone and charge it at the same time, during sleep hours.

Except for when our son had no devices at all, during his time away at treatment, he continues to be connected to many screens. At 19, he is now at the helm of decisions on usage. The fact that he purchased his current iPhone himself, and took over his own phone plan at the end of last year, makes it much easier for me to deal with his usage issues. So, it is really is up to him from here on out!

What About the Science of Sleep?

Much has been written about circadian rhythms or the bodies’ biological clocks, the teenage brain and the science of sleep. Another quote from the article above:

“Amy R. Wolfson, a professor of psychology at Loyola University in Maryland, and the co-editor of The Oxford Handbook of Infant, Child, and Adolescent Sleep and Behavior, said that high school students tend to perform better in courses that meet later in the day, and perform better on cognitive tests when they are given in the afternoon.”

Many school professionals have discussed the topic of starting the school-day for teens slightly later, which matches what is known about teens’ biology. It makes sense that since teens stay up later, and they need their proper rest, that learning environments should reflect this information.

Is All Hope Lost?

No, I don’t think so. Part of growing up, especially for the older teen, is what they learn to do for themselves. That would include: healthy choices regarding sleep, eating habits and hygiene. We don’t have to agree on all their decisions, but hope to understand and give them room to succeed and fail. As parents, we know how important sleep is and it may be just a matter of time for those youngsters to figure it out, too! Until then, I will enjoy a quiet house in the middle of the day! Pleasant dreams!

Does your teen stay up at all hours? How are you handling it? Please comment below!

Additional resource about Sleep and Anxiety: All About Anxiety: Why Is It Preventing You From Sleeping? by Rose MacDowell from Sleepopolis

Self Care is a Primary Focus

Navigating today’s pandemic is a complicated mix of what to do and what not to do. It is certainly a stressful time, especially for those of us with teens who have struggled. It all comes down to the basic idea of self care. That term gets used all the time, yet it can be as individual as we are. Self-care is what we make it to be for ourselves.

Free Self Care List: 133 Things To Do For Yourself

Available NOW from Warrior Mom!

Self Care - 133 Things You Can Do — Self Care – 133 Things You Can Do

New FREE 10 Page PDF from Warrior Mom is ready for immediate download! Click here to access!

What is Self Care?

I refer to an article by By Raphailia Michael, MA (posted at PyschCentral.com) that defines self-care, called “What Self-Care Is – And What it is Not”. Three key components of self care include: mental, emotional and physical activities that help ground us and make us feel good. The author describes some basics that include proper sleep, nutrition, exercise, relaxing, spending quality time with loved ones, finding enjoyable activities and laughing each day.

In my “normal” list of self care physical activities: I have played tennis and pickle ball, swim, take walks, listen to music, watch light-hearted videos and movies and play the guitar. In today’s world, I can still take walks (so many walks, that my average steps are well over 14,000 per day), and many of my favorite activities, but not all of them.

Under our health orders in our county in CA, there are restrictions involving tennis and pickle ball, and swimming in our public pools. I will get back to those things all in good time and I’m okay with that. My health and those around me is too important to rush it and run into the possibility of more contamination and illness. So I feel good about following the guidelines, mainly because it’s the right thing to do.

My self care has evolved as we navigate our new world. There are so many simple and little pleasures I appreciate and enjoy.

Looking at and scanning old photographs
Baking my first sour dough bread loaf
Planning meals a week out since my shopping is now once a week
Planting a few veggies in pots: basil, tomato and padron peppers
More Warrior Mom Blog posts perhaps turning into a book…
Learning new songs on the guitar

Some Ideas to Deal with It All

It is tough to watch the whole world going through this pandemic. It is very sad to hear about the amount of death there has been. I do keep up with news and information, but at some point, we all get saturated and it brings us down. Here are some things I am doing to deal with it all:

I try to limit my news watching.
I try to find the positive stories of good people helping each other.
I try to stick to a routine.
I accept that change is always inevitable.
I try to connect with friends and family via phone or social media.
I try to be understanding to those around me.
I try to be mindful to relieve any stress, with breathing and being present.
I try to focus on what’s positive around me: the earth is resetting, families are together, solutions are in the works.
I like watching funny, creative videos.
I am fortunate to be able to keep selling on eBay. The ultimate work from home job!
I accept that things are different now vs before the outbreak.
I enjoy walking near my house and looking at all the beautiful flowers.
I am grateful my son is well and working.

The Unknown is Still Unknown

Having been through tough and uncertain times with a struggling teen during the past three years, I draw on the many tools I learned during that time. Just like “we lived our lives” during the past three years, we still don’t know what will happen tomorrow. No one does.

We all only have today.
One day at a time.
We are not alone.

We will get through this AND we need to work at it AND it will take time. (Time is such an odd concept, since we have a lot of that on our hands today.)

Our world has been forced to slow down. There are many people out of work and in need of financial aid. Our health becomes a priority. Staying healthy must include self-care. What does that look like for you?

Things I Want to Add to My Self Care List

I want to help others – not sure exactly what that means, but I’m thinking about it.
I want to get back to more reading: autobiographies are my top choice. Sally Field’s book is on my list.
I want to watch some great, old movies, since Tiger King does not interest me. Perhaps watch AFI’s Top 200 List!
I want to make bagels. The sour dough experiment was okay, but I think bagels would be fun!
I want to keep sorting and organizing photos and videos. I have so many!
I want to write more.
Get my bike out and start riding again!
Try some new recipes!

Last but not least, I count my blessings every day. It does sometimes feel like we are living in a real life version of “Groundhog Day” (Bill Murray movie), but each day is a gift. I have a loving family and as we continue to hunker down (I do love that expression), we are fortunate to have each other. I am confident that things in our world will evolve into a “new normal” and I am planning to continue with my self care.

Hanging in there,

WARRIOR MOM

Welcome to Adulting….My 18 1/2 Year Old Son

My now 18 1/2 year old son has been back home for four months. He was away for twenty-seven long months at three different treatment programs (Wilderness therapy, Residential Treatment Center aka “RTC” and a Step Down Program aka “Boarding School”). We are very happy to have him home, and he is doing well. He has recently taken some big steps forward that I’d like to share.

Welcome to Adulting!

The subtitle of this post might be called: “Time to Get a Job”. My son’s subtitle might be called: “My Gap Year After High School”.

Even before the term “Social Distancing” became a common expression, my son spent much of the last two months working his own version of social distancing, by keeping to himself, in his own room. Yes, I understand that is common for teenagers and young adults, around his age to want their own space. I know I did at his age, but he took it to another level. He became a Social Distance Master! He was ahead of the curve, especially since no one knew it would become an important skill!

Our home contract agreement stated that he either needed to be in school or have a job, when he came home. He worked during the months of October, November and December, at the local Best Buy as a seasonal employee. He like it a lot. His employment was over, just after New Year’s, the first week in January. During his first six months of being eighteen, he worked at McDonald’s in Utah and at Best Buy in Northern California. Both were excellent “first jobs” with lots of learning opportunities. And he was able to make some money.

In January, he spent time putting together his application for a vocational college in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. He gathered transcripts from his three different high school learning environments and sent them off. He called the school in Canada and asked them questions about the Computer Software Development major he applied to. If it works out, his goal is to begin course work there in September. (With so many things up in the air world wide, we will just have to see how it all plays out!)

In January and February, he made some attempts at finding a job and had a few interviews but none worked out, until this past week. Ironically, when so many people are out of work due to the Coronavirus pandemic, our son is working as a bagger at the local grocery store in town. It is considered an “essential job” and he is following their guidelines about hand washing, keeping hands off his face and the correct social distancing!

His first paycheck has yet to arrive, but he has full time hours and is very busy in his duties. This comes right after another success: he finally took his driver’s permit test at an empty DMV a couple weeks ago and PASSED! We celebrated with a dinner at the Melting Pot (when we were still allowed to go out to a restaurant in California). He was proud of himself and very engaged at our meal. He shared funny “memes” on his phone and talked about world events with us that evening. It was really fun!

Next up is signing up for a driving course! Not sure when that will be allowed.

The Definition of “Adulting”

As we welcome our son to his new world of adulting, I looked up the meaning on Dictionary.com.

“Adulting is an informal term to describe behavior that is seen as responsible and grown-up. This behavior often involves meeting the mundane demands of independent and professional living, such as paying bills and running errands.”

He has done the following as an eighteen year old, all on his own:

Signed up for the Selective Service (mandatory for US males as they reach 18 years of age.)
Got a tiny nose piercing.
Opened a bank account and maintained it – complete with a few over draft service charges!
Applied for and received a 10 year US Passport.
Is working Full Time.
Voted in his first Election (the California Primary). No surprise he’s a Bernie guy!
Took over his own iPhone account.
Paid bills to: Apple Music, Hulu, AT&T, Apple Care.
Left his pediatric doctor office to join a new one for adults.
Just received his first Jury Duty request in the mail from the county.
Did his own taxes on Turbo Tax and Filed 2 state returns (UT & CA) – He’s excited to be getting a refund!
Passed his CA Driver’s Permit test.

We are very proud of all the adulting steps he has taken. There will be many more to come! One task at a time and one day at a time! There is no substitute for doing it yourself, as the best way to learn how to navigate what lies ahead in the adult world. So far his gap year after high school has included many life skills and lessons! Soon enough he will be grown and flown!

Staying in the moment,

WARRIOR MOM

Understanding Our Differences

My 18 year old son has been home from treatment since October 1, 2019. Our honeymoon phase lasted about a month, and things started to get a bit tougher for us, as a family. Overall things are still going well, but I have narrowed down our differences into four categories:

Perception
Reality
Expectations
Letting Go

We have the continued support of our family therapist (located in Utah), whom we talk to by phone once a week or every other week depending on schedules. My son talks to the same therapist on his own, about once a week. We need our therapist to help sort some of the differences noted above.

Perception

One thing we have discovered is that my son does not like discomfort or anything that pushes him, even gentle nudges. As parents, we try to encourage with suggestions about work, higher education, free time and any number of topics, only to be stopped in our tracks with firm resistance.
He believes that his way is the best way to handle a situation. As he looks for new employment (his last job at Best Buy was a seasonal position only that ended in the beginning of January), he is content waiting for them to contact him instead of being the squeaky wheel.

Reality

My son has sent an application into a tech vocational school in Canada. He filled it out on his own, asked for all his necessary high school transcripts and sent them in as well. We paid for the modest applications fees. Now he/we play a waiting game. We won’t have long, since he wants to enroll in the Spring Term which begins May 6th.I bet you are saying, “Well all college bound kids wait to hear from the schools they applied to.”
That may be true, but he has all his eggs in one basket: Canada or bust. From what I’ve read online, it seems like a fine school. There is the issue of a study/work permit to get into the country. There is the housing issue near a school that doesn’t have dormitories. And truthfully, his girlfriend lives there (okay, he does have motivation!)Good news, my son has a current passport, which he took care of on his own before visiting his girlfriend last December. At least that piece of the puzzle is taken care of, but the reality is that he has many other things to figure out. And he doesn’t want any help from us. That’s fine, but it’s not going to be as easy as he thinks it will be.

Expectations

Who is going to pay for what? We have always said we would pay for his education. As our home contract said, he needs to either be working or in school. Our expectation was that one of those two things would be happening right now, but it’s not. He has not found a job that suits him, for various reasons. (Starbucks is too hard, other places are too far away, not the right schedule, etc).He planned on taking a certain amount of money into Canada with him. Right now, without a job, he has no money. We are trying to let natural consequences take over, but his expectations are that we will help him more than we say we will. He needs to have “skin in the game” as they say. He’s never been easily motivated, which makes this process so difficult.

Letting Go

We are in the middle of his “self-proclaimed” gap year. Long ago, when he was an early teen, long before he went to Wilderness Therapy and the rest of treatment (RTC and Aftercare), his idea was to take a gap year so he could play video games. We did not agree with this idea and yet, here we are seeing a late teen play Minecraft and do little outside of his room. We have let go of just “how” the adulting will play out and when the actual launching will happen for him. We talk to other parents whose kids also might be less mature, and see that it’s not easy. We make no judgments, believe me.If you are reading this with ideas of what we should do, I applaud you for caring, but our current path is to let this play out organically, without trying to put a square peg into a round hole. In the meantime, we are encouraging, trying to keep him engaged in our lives (not easy for a late teen) and making the most of what is positive.We are grateful that he is safe and know where he is, even if it’s his own room. We are grateful that while things are not perfect, he is not doing drugs. We are happy that he very much cares about his appearance, even when he lets his beard grow. (He did just shave this week, not because we suggested it however!) We are grateful for our friends who listen to our saga and try not to fix it for us or for our son. We are grateful to have grown in the past three years with the help of caring professionals. We are still trying to find balance in our lives with continual self-care and perspective.

The Strength is in the Struggle

That motto comes from our son’s residential treatment center (Discovery Ranch for Boys) and it is very true! We will get through this time of different perceptions, realities and expectations, as we continue to learn to let go. We try to remember that this part of life is up to the young adult, not the parent. We’ve already been 18, 19, 20 years old…… We’ve already been to college and taken our own missteps. It’s up to them now!

We Continue to Love

Our son will hopefully one day see, that we are in his corner and always have been. He wants to do everything himself, except swallow on the very difficult financial pill of what lies ahead for him. He wants to grow up and at the same time, he doesn’t want to. Sound familiar? It’s not easy out there. So our answer for now is to continue to love him, let him take his time, make his mistakes and see it his way (without the unnecessary “I told you so’s”).I follow the stories of many parents in our shoes and I have such empathy for the difficulties that so many families are dealing with. My heart goes out to them and feel blessed that we have come as far as we have. I also know of others who are lucky to have kids that haven’t “fallen down and skinned their knees big time”. Whichever side you land on, take a moment and count your blessings. Take a look around and know others may be in pain. As I often say, we are all just doing the best we can.

I continue to be a WARRIOR MOM……

It’s Not Always Easy….And Yet We Keep Moving Forward

It's Not Easy, But We Move Forward

It has been two months since our 18 year old son has been back home for good from treatment. It’s been great to have him under our roof after twenty-seven months away. We all have been making adjustments to living together again. Not perfect, but rather a work in progress. We have continued with our family therapy calls with his therapist from Utah, by phone. That has been very important and helpful when we need to bring up difficult subjects and clear the air at times. It gives each of us a voice.

Dr. Tim Thayne, author of “Not By Chance: How Parents Boost Their Teen’s Success In and After Treatment“ says “The choice to place your teen in treatment was the hardest decision you have ever made. And the second hardest decision you will make is to bring him home again.”

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Very true indeed. There is so much unknown ahead. We have to focus on what is right in front of us, one day at a time. My son is in his self-proclaimed GAP year, which means he has chosen to get a job and work right now. Our communication has been tough at times, since he is at the age when he is trying to break away from us and that isn’t easy honestly, since we finally have him back again. Another way to look at it is, he was away when he should have been home, and he is home when he should be away. A bit of a flip flop for us as parents.

So for today’s post, I want to focus on what positive things have been happening for my son in the past six months:

1) Son passed the CHSPE exam (California High School Proficiency Exam) in June and is done with High School. BIG!

2) Son graduated from his step down program at the end of September 2019. Gave a brief, but important speech acknowledging his successes while away at treatment.

3) Son has looked into college, toured one and began application. Took the SAT, but has decided a GAP year is his path currently.

4) We agreed on a contract of boundaries and house rules for his return home. Still a work in progress on implementation of household duties/chores and our expectations, AND his.

5) Son wrote a relapse prevention plan, which was awesome on his part. So far so good.

6) Son applied for a job at Best Buy while in Utah so he could begin work right when he came home. Had interview beginning of October, was hired and has been working, mostly part time. Increased work hours coming slowing, but achieved his first forty hour week at Thanksgiving and Black Friday.

7) Saved some money, spent most of it on paintball equipment and some clothes. Started saving again.

8) Planned a trip to meet a friend in Canada before Christmas and renewed his passport on his own.

9) Bought his own plane ticket, with his own money!

10) Started his own phone account, is now off our plan and took over payments of his iPhone purchased in August. REALLY BIG!

His independence is beginning, maybe not quickly, but it is happening. Next up is the driver’s license! When I ask about it, his reply is, “I’m studying.” Okay then, there you have it. A lot of good. Most of it slow. He is not the best communicator in the world, but that may not be surprising to those parents out there with boys!

For me, it’s been a process of letting go. In an email from a parent support group that I belong to was the most perfect reminder of this difficult concept. I am sharing it with you below (many thanks to my brave, unnamed fellow support group parent)!

TO “LET GO” TAKES LOVE
by author unknown

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it is the realization I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it is to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies,
To “let go” is not to be protective,
but to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take every day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and love more.

My family has come so far, and yet the road ahead is still unknown. We are working on accepting that……

Wishing you Peace and Happiness,
WARRIOR MOM