Family - My Warrior Mom Life

“It Was Just Like Christmas Morning!”

Christmas morning

“What did you feel when you first saw us, as the van drove down the hill to the Family Spark camp site?” we asked our sixteen year old son?

“I was excited, just like Christmas morning!” was his answer.
That stopped us cold in our tracks! WOW! HOW ABOUT THAT? It gets me all choked up thinking about it again.

It had been eight weeks since we had all seen each other from the time he began his wilderness therapy journey in Idaho. We then asked, “Do you hate us for sending you?” fearing what he would say.

“No, I was surprised that it was happening, and the first couple of days were surreal, but no I don’t hate you.” he said in a matter of fact response.

“It was the hardest thing we’ve ever done, but it was the last resort.” we said with heavy hearts. We wanted to make sure he understood our side of the event. It was not taken lightly at all! He had to know how much we loved him.

That conversation was one of many that we had like it, asking and answering queries on both sides of our worlds. And they all happened without the distraction of a phone or other technology or substance in the way. Our son had clear eyes for the first time in ages. It was a pleasant and refreshing occurrence . It’s like we were able to go backwards to a more innocent and younger time with him.

Over the course of the next few days, we had many group activities. We play acted the time when the “wheels fell off the bus” for us as a family. Each of us took turns as we role played the other, to see what we must have gone through. We watched and observed the other families and could see some similarities in many of they stories. We were not alone.

We participated in equine therapy and tried to maneuver a horse, who behaved much like our son had: stubborn and defiant. That was very interesting and revealing. We learned about non verbal communication from the therapists. We did an obstacle course while we were blindfolded one at a time, using only verbal directions from only one of us, to avoid the obstacles. We learn to work together as a team. We analyzed every action made and every word spoken. There was so much symbolism and meaning to it all. And it was exhausting but a wonderful few days.

The best part was that we were smiling with each other and laughing again, as a family unit. It had been a long time since those days. It was going to be difficult to say “so long”, as the end of the retreat got closer. One more hug, one more story, one more day……OUR TIME TOGETHER DID FEEL A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING.

Gratefully,

WARRIOR MOM

Opening Up, Sharing and The Lost Retainer

Our first night at the Family Spark therapy retreat went by quickly and we wokeup at sunrise, ready to start the day. The first group activity was “hand washing”. The entire group stood around a hole in the ground while one of the boys (our son this time) squirted a tiny bit of camping soap into our open palms. Then we started saying our “hopefuls”, going around the circle with anticipations of the day in front of us. As that was happening, a water pitcher was tipped with water spilling out to activate the soap in our hands. We scrubbed and rinsed and listened to the thoughts and hopes of the group. This ritual happened before dinner as well, but the topic changed to “thankfuls”. It was a nice ritual. Everything we did had meaning, even the simple tasks.

“Hopefuls and Thankfuls” were just the beginning of our sharing. We had mindfulness, “highs and lows”, and many other topics that were selected by whatever boy was in charge of that session. Listening to everyone’s words was very powerful. It sent messages of healing, growth and new understanding. Some of the parents wrote things in their notebooks, others just listened intently. Most of the boys picked up rocks from the ground or fidgeted with strings and made bracelets. There was a lot of ADD (attention deficit disorder) in this group!

Lots of new facts came out of these deep discussions. One of the things we learned about was the fact that our son lost his second retainer before being sent to wilderness. Those retainers weren’t cheap, let me tell you. He got his braces off after a long 2 1/2 years, earlier in the springtime. The orthodontics made room for two teeth that he was born without. At age 21, he would have implants to fill those eyeteeth gaps. In the meantime, he was fitted with custom retainers that had two false teeth attached to make his smile complete. He admitted to losing his retainer just two days before he left for wilderness. It happened at a park while he was busy partying!

In the group sharing we learned about natural consequences. The lost retainer became one for him. It would be replaced at a later date, and he would have to go without for a while. I was unhappy about the expense, but it’s amazing the things one can let go of when dealing with bigger issues.

One of the group questions was “What was it like when you saw your parents from the van, when arriving at the Family Spark setting?” My son’s answer will amaze you. Come back tomorrow to hear what he said. Bring a hankie!

Joyfully yours,

WARRIOR MOM

A Million Dollar Smile

He walked towards us, a bit scruffy and a bit dirty but he was wearing a million dollar smile. We hugged. It was so nice to see him. He actually seemed happy to see us. He had been in the wilderness program for eight weeks. It was a long time.

He was a little shy at first. His pack was giant and really dirty on the outside. His hair was getting long. There was a coat of dirt and grime over all of the boys, even though they did take a shower every week. For some reason, this week they didn’t get one. It was the high desert after all and not the Hilton! We showed him to our tent. He was very happy to be given a cot for a couple of days and not have to sleep on the ground.

He seemed very relaxed. We could see in his clear eyes that nature had a positive effect on him. It replaced the omni present technology world he left two months prior. Our son answered our many questions about the camping and other activities the group did every week. There was lots of hiking, but they also did equine therapy, white water rafting, mountain biking, canoeing and rock climbing. Every activity had a purpose of how it related to self improvement, introspection and getting along with others. Positive behaviors replaced negative behavior in thoughts and deed.

After about one half hour the entire group of parents and boys joined in a circle to kick off the first of many circles. One of the boys led us on a mindfulness and breathing exercise. Another led the introductions so we knew why each teen was there at wilderness. Each parent then explained what reasons brought their family to this place as well. We were beginning to feel each other’s pain. And we were certainly not alone.

As the sun was setting, we reflected on the “highs” and “lows” of the day. Each person took a turn sharing and when they were done, they “passed” to the next. We heard a word shouted out every now and then by members of the circle, “Aho!”It means “I agree” with what was just said. Most of the boys chimed in and we parents added our “Aho’s” as well. When it came time for me to express my “high”, it definitely was seeing my son smile. Something so simple, yet so powerful and beautiful, made me happy and teary at the same time.

We were so happy to be together. What happened over the next few days was life changing and wonderful.

Peace,

WARRIOR MOM

Family Spark

Idaho

About half way through the wilderness program there is an opportunity for parents to come and spend three days in nature with their kids. It is “comfortable camping”. It is better than the kids normally experience in there day to day existence, and for the parents is considered “camping with therapy”!

Our trip to “Family Spark” was full of emotion. We flew into Idaho the evening before our expected arrival. We took a walk and then had a very pleasant dinner at AppleBee’s! We were expected to meet a shuttle at 8am. There was lots of anticipation in the air.

In the elevator in the morning we saw a couple that had some new REI looking clothing on. I was about to say “wilderness” under my breath, but as expected they ended up on the shuttle with us! The small bus was filled with 19 parents in total. We shared the hour and a half drive together without much interaction. We soon would be sharing our deepest feelings and emotions.

When we arrived at the wilderness program headquarters, we were given large totes to put our non camping clothing and any electronics we brought with us to go into storage for 3 1/2 days. No cell phones, no iPads, nothing but what was on the packing list. It was camping 101 for some. As a group we formed a circle and introduced ourselves briefly and say what our reason for sending our son or daughter to wilderness was.

People were very emotional and the stories were similar, yet individual too. Then we split into a “boys group” and a “girls and younger boys group”. We headed off into the high desert for a reunion and a new beginning. I have never been with a more nervous group of parents, including ourselves.

We arrived at our family retreat area that had six large canvas tents and plenty of shade trees. It also had a barn like structure for cooking and a wooden outhouse situated at the far corner of the property. There was no electricity and no electronics were allowed. Peace on earth! For as far as the eyes could see, there was NOTHING. Nothing but nature. Beautiful rolling hills and mesas and lots of cottonwood trees and other ground cover. You could hear the wind blowing in the distance.

We chose our tent and took our bags and placed them inside. There were three sturdy cots lined up ready for our family to camp together for three days. No wonder we were nervous! Then the parents all gathered under the large shade structure and saw a van in the distance. That van was carrying all of our sons! You could hear a pin drop.

The van slowly drove down the hill to the gate. We saw the doors open and out came some boys who picked up their large and heavy backpacks out of the back of the van. The group looked grimy, yet smiling, most carried long walking sticks. The families all took part in embraces. It had been at least seven weeks since everyone had seen each other. It was eight weeks for us. What was our reunion going to be like?

Check back tomorrow to find out.

Filled with emotion, yet hopeful –

WARRIOR MOM

Sweet Sixteen

This was a tough day on our end. Our son was at a wilderness program in Idaho on his 16th birthday. We were able to scan a birthday card for him and they would print out on his end. You are probably thinking what kind of birthday is that? Well, again we had to take our emotions out of it. As hard as that was to do, we had to focus on the fact that he was actually able to have a 16th birthday. It was not the ideal situation, but hey, difficult times require difficult decisions and that was our summer in a nutshell.

They did have a cake for him. And he wasn’t the only kid to have birthday away from home. He was safe and learning things about himself that could serve him well in the future. There was so much to be grateful for: a new day, a new chance to grow, a new perspective and outlook. We were in a parallel process with him, complete with a full of a gambit of emotions.

As the weeks went by, we were able to finally have a phone call with him and his therapist. Everything was always monitored. We he heard our voices for the first time, he immediately broke down into tears. He was extremely emotional during our therapy call. It was shocking, yet touching, because it meant he was actually feeling something.

He stuck to a script of topics and questions. We let him do most of the talking. It wasn’t social, but with our limited time, we had to discuss the important reasons we sent him. He said he didn’t want to lie to us anymore. He admitted to pushing us away. He said he missed us. Wow, absence does make the heart grow fonder.

The biggest revelation was that he said he didn’t realize until he was away, that he did in fact, love us. He tried so hard to keep us at arm’s length during the past year, that he rejected the two people who cared for him the most on this planet. And he slowly was opening up his feelings. Very slowly. Another biggie was that he said didn’t hate us for sending him. Deep down he had to feel a big relief for not to be living the life he struggled with at home: the negative friends and the negative behaviors. It was exactly what his psychiatrist said it would be: a re-boot!

Happy Birthday Son!

To be continued……

Staying Strong,

WARRIOR MOM

One of My Toughest Days Ever

The night of the transport finally arrived. I had spoken to the Lead Interventionist earlier in the week as to what to expect. He was so nice and caring and it made it a lot easier to know what was going to happen, in advance. There would be two men, both trained professionals in this field, to make this transport work. Neither would lay a finger on our son. They use encouraging words and positive speech to get a kid from Point A to Point B. And they have years of experience. Some might have even been a troubled youth in their own past.

In our case, Point A was a small town in the San Francisco Bay Area and Point B was a small town in southern Idaho. It was all planned out. They would arrive at our house at 3am. We would meet outside to go over the “script” and get on the same page with them. At this time, we put our little doggy in our car, since we were going to leave the premises in a bit, too.

As we greeted the two men, we saw how calm and confident they were. We hugged them immediately because we had come to think of them as our “angels”. I had read testimonials from other parents who had been through this exact moment and one of them called the men “angels”. So we did too. And that’s how we were able to get through this most difficult moment. One of the toughest since we had been parents, without a doubt!

We were very concerned that our son would be angry with us and not go along with the plan. We had no idea what his reaction would be and how long it would take to get him out of the house. The average time is about an hour or so, we were told. They always have a Plan B, just in case there is resistance. The goal was to take an early morning flight out of Oakland International Airport. At no time would our son be left alone. One man drives, the other takes the plane and a third man meets them on the other end to drive the rest of the way to the Wilderness Program.

The four of us walked into our son’s bedroom (the room without a door). I turned on the light. He looked pretty much awake and sat up, a little surprised. I said in a calm voice (I never knew I could be an actress until this moment), “Leo and Tyler are going to take you to a Wilderness Program today and they will take very good care of you. We love you.” My son rolled over towards his wall and then I caught a glance and a wink from Tyler”. I think he meant, “We’ve got this”.

We left the house very quickly and started driving towards the downtown area of town. It was surreal and very emotional. All the time we had been trying to decide what to do for our struggling teenager was coming to a climax. In less than twenty minutes we received a text that they were “On our way”. What? How is that even possible? “The phone is on the charger”. OMG! That hasn’t happened in two years. How did they do that?

I was able to pack our son a small bag, for the trip. In it was bottle of water, a candy bar and a Star Wars book. He left with the clothes on his back because he would be given everything he needed at the Wilderness Program once he arrived.

Come back tomorrow to see how the rest of my son’s trip went. Were there any hiccups on beginning of his new journey?

Feeling HUGE relief and a bag of mixed emotions,

WARRIOR MOM

One More Day….

My son was on a downward spiral before Wilderness

We completed all the paperwork for the Wilderness Program. We arranged for the transport company to come and take our sixteen year old son, in the middle of the night, without his knowledge. And yes, it is absolutely the one of the most difficult decisions a parent can ever make. But we had a chance to save his live. That’s it.

We had to think of it in a positive way. His life was spiraling downward. We were finding out about alcohol incidents that previously had been just marijuana use. Our house was like a hotel to him during the three weeks of summer vacation. He slept there, ate a late night meal there and was gone for the rest of the time. With who knows whom and who knows where. He was checking in less and less and I was always worried.

I called his friends, I texted his friends. They were really getting annoyed with me asking questions, but what else could I do? He seemed depressed and anxious at the same time. On the afternoon before the “big night” he asked me to take him to get some electronic supplies. I reluctantly said, “Fine.” On the way out of town, I rear ended a tow truck in front of his old middle school. Things like that happen for a reason. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but when I asked my son to retrieve our license plate which fell of the car into the intersection, he said, “No way, do you want me to get hit?”. WOW, thanks for caring, is what I felt. He got out of the car and started walking home when I told him that I wasn’t taking him to buy anything.

I tried to not think about what was ahead later that evening, so I went to try my hand at the game of pickle ball with a friend. It was a great distraction and an awesome workout. I ran into a couple of moms who were from our nursery school many year ago. As we talked, they asked about our son. I told them the whole story. Talk about stopping a conversation. I was very emotional.

The night before that we had a nice dinner with our son and the friend who took him to school during the last weeks of his freshman year. It was a thank you dinner to the friend and we all had a great time. Except, we knew what was coming and they did not. It was so hard not spilling the beans and acting natural, but we hung on and were able to do it. We talked about fun things we liked to do and of the future. It was surreal!

For some unknown reason, our son was home by 8:30 or 9pm the night of the transport. He watched some movies on his phone in his room and then started making grilled cheese sandwiches around 11 or 12 pm. I heard cereal being poured into a bowl after that. There were lots of noises coming from the kitchen. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I had an alarm set for 2:55 am. The guys (two large men: one played in the NFL and the other was bigger!) texted to say they would be arriving at 3 am. As soon as they arrive, we would go over the game plan first before anything else, outside the front gate.

Come back to the blog tomorrow to hear how it all went.

Trying to stay calm,

WARRIOR MOM

Shhhush…It’s a Secret

After filling out the LONG online application for the Wilderness Program our son would be going to, we were given a TO DO list a mile long to make it happen. And we had to keep all of this a secret and under wraps or he would resist. The list of things we needed to get accomplished was scheduling a physical exam with the pediatrician, getting an up-to-date dental exam, ordering another retainer (since he lost one previously) and a finding a host of other things that needed to be scanned. I needed to find his report cards, student ID and get images of the front and back of the health insurance card. We needed to re-arrange big money and free up some room on our credit cards in order to pay for everything.

It seemed overwhelming but it actually gave me an action list of things TO DO each day, so I was occupied. The last thing I wanted to do was to tip our hand and give away the Big Secret. So, we went on lock down. Any conversation we had with friends and family was on a different topic. No more posts on Facebook. The hardest part was that I still had to converse with other parents of our son, since he went “missing in action” a number of nights. I told them nothing.

My son would take his cell phone, but then go to places that had little or no coverage. He would take an extra charger, yet his phone would go “dead”. What a pain it was to try and communicate with him. Things couldn’t get worse, could they? YES! However, I knew we were on the right track, when at my son’s physical appointment, I asked to speak privately to the Doctor before he gave the exam. I told him what was up, and he firmly “shook” my hand when I told him our plan. “Way to go!” he said. I felt empowered. This was the same doctor that examined our two day old infant son and said he was a bit jaundiced so, “Give him a sun bath” for a few minutes. The same doctor that treated a young boy with the stomach flu and pink eye. Now we were dealing with not going to school, screen addiction and marijuana. How did this happen? No one tells you it actually gets harder, not easier!

The last piece of the puzzle was giving the final okay to the Wilderness program and setting up the transport company. It was getting down to the wire. There was one final spot saved for our son for the end of June or we would have to wait another month to begin. NO MORE WAITING! We confirmed the dates and then had to get through three seemingly long weeks without giving the secret away. Find out if we did it in tomorrow’s blog post.

Breathing a sigh of relief,

WARRIOR MOM

Let’s Go to Disneyland

Teacups at Disneyland

Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth! So what better way to get our family mojo back but to take a driving trip from NorCal to Anaheim during Spring Break. We had the brilliant idea of inviting our nephew to join us and that turned out to be a life saver. We had such a great time and a week of togetherness and happiness. But could it last?

Our son and his cousin have a special relationship built on a time when he lived with us for one and half years in his early 20’s. He was getting on his feet after some tough times, but we all enjoyed our shared time together. The two are about ten years apart and our son looks up to his “chill” cousin (that’s a good thing!). They both love computers, gaming and have similar music tastes, so the long drive was very pleasant surprise. We have always said that our son travels well! And that was the exact case with this adventure.

The trip almost didn’t happen. The Friday before the vacation, our son decided he would just stay home in bed and not go to school. It was becoming a regular practice but there was not much we could do about it. He was bigger than we were and he ignored any attempts in regular conversation. The practice of the day was “just keeping the peace”. After 3pm (about the time school would have be out of session), our son came out of his room and started watching Star Wars movies in the family room. He seemed happier and so “we ran with it”. After watching about three different movies, we said that we were going to change gears and turn on something else.

It was not clear what triggered his rage, but he didn’t like what we said and threw the remote control from the TV at us. It missed the TV, but hit one of us. It was escalating quickly. I said that I was going to call the Police and he rushed us trying to get our iPhone. We were very clear with him that if he demonstrated any physical behavior it would result in our calling the cops. He said he was leaving. I’ve never seen him move so quickly, but he put on shoes and grabbed his backpack and he left the house.

The police showed up right away and another cop car stopped our son and told him to get in. It was not something that we took lightly but we were showing that if we said something, we meant it and they wouldn’t be just “hollow words”. Our son was very polite and listened to the officers as they said this was a warning and his behavior was not acceptable. We were in fact making a strong point, that our safety was paramount.

This happened about ten pm on that Friday night. The next few days were peaceful and quiet. We had no idea if our trip on Wednesday would even be possible. But as with many things, as time passes by, so do ill feelings and actions. Our nephew showed up at our designated departure time and off we went as planned a few days after our traumatic incident happened.

Our new tone was set and we showed him that we would be setting boundaries that couldn’t be broken. It is a really hard thing to admit that we had to call the cops on our son, but we know it was the right thing to do.

As we were standing in line to meet Darth Vader and saw our son’s smiling face when he met the Star Wars icon, we knew that at least for a moment, we could be happy together. Inside this young person was someone that was lost and needed to find himself again.

The trip was a success and we headed home after a few days at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Full of Love,

WARRIOR MOM

Darth Vader

Orthodontist vs Computer

This is Day Two of The Ultimate Blog Challenge for October. If you are a new reader, welcome. My story is simple: I am a mom of a sixteen year old teenager. That’s it in a nutshell. You might be thinking, “Okay, that’s nice…” but a blog about that? Well, if you haven’t noticed lately the world is becoming inundated with technology and it’s causing a few problems. That is seriously true if you are a teenager with an iPhone, iPad, computer and TV. There is way too much screen time AND social media! A young person’s brain is filled with so much information and instant communication, there is NO down time to just hang out and be bored.

And for my family it has put us into crisis! Our once fun-loving interactions have become tense and no fun at all.

To pick up where the last post left off, my son was on strike, with silence and school truancy. He decided not to attend any of his high school classes for a week. It was also so abnormally quiet it felt like an Egyptian tomb in our house. My son engaged in NO conversation at all, not even a grunt. UNTIL, caught off guard in the basement while he was building something with wires, he answered a question about how it worked. He began explaining what he was trying to do, until he realized that he was talking and he clammed up once again. Darn, almost got him!

The difficult part is that I needed him to go to the orthodontist to get his braces checked. He was so close to getting them off and that part was something he was looking forward to. So I had to make a deal. “You go to the orthodontist and return to school and you can have your computer back with certain time restrictions.” We drew up a contract and he agreed to it….for the moment. I had a need (getting him to see the orthodontist and going back to school) and he had a need (to get his computer back again). Plus, by this time of two weeks away from friends, he was certainly missing them (and the marijuana, I’m sure, too).

So things returned to back to normal pretty quickly. No homework, no chores and minimal engagement. My frustration level put me on a mission of how we were going to get through this teenage mess. But at least for now, the braces were checked and school was being attended.

Hanging in there,
WARRIOR MOM