Teenage Years - My Warrior Mom Life

Sweet Sixteen

This was a tough day on our end. Our son was at a wilderness program in Idaho on his 16th birthday. We were able to scan a birthday card for him and they would print out on his end. You are probably thinking what kind of birthday is that? Well, again we had to take our emotions out of it. As hard as that was to do, we had to focus on the fact that he was actually able to have a 16th birthday. It was not the ideal situation, but hey, difficult times require difficult decisions and that was our summer in a nutshell.

They did have a cake for him. And he wasn’t the only kid to have birthday away from home. He was safe and learning things about himself that could serve him well in the future. There was so much to be grateful for: a new day, a new chance to grow, a new perspective and outlook. We were in a parallel process with him, complete with a full of a gambit of emotions.

As the weeks went by, we were able to finally have a phone call with him and his therapist. Everything was always monitored. We he heard our voices for the first time, he immediately broke down into tears. He was extremely emotional during our therapy call. It was shocking, yet touching, because it meant he was actually feeling something.

He stuck to a script of topics and questions. We let him do most of the talking. It wasn’t social, but with our limited time, we had to discuss the important reasons we sent him. He said he didn’t want to lie to us anymore. He admitted to pushing us away. He said he missed us. Wow, absence does make the heart grow fonder.

The biggest revelation was that he said he didn’t realize until he was away, that he did in fact, love us. He tried so hard to keep us at arm’s length during the past year, that he rejected the two people who cared for him the most on this planet. And he slowly was opening up his feelings. Very slowly. Another biggie was that he said didn’t hate us for sending him. Deep down he had to feel a big relief for not to be living the life he struggled with at home: the negative friends and the negative behaviors. It was exactly what his psychiatrist said it would be: a re-boot!

Happy Birthday Son!

To be continued……

Staying Strong,

WARRIOR MOM

Safe and Sound

My teenage son and the two interventionists were on their way to Oakland. We received a text from the “lead” Tyler, when they arrived at the airport. We received another text when they made it through security. And more followed, when they touched down in Las Vegas, the stop on the way to Idaho. Similar texts came they were taking off again, landing and had arrived in Idaho. It was so nice to get these updates through the early morning hours.

We had so much support from our friends and family during this emotional time. They checked in with us throughout the day to see how we were doing. I am saying right now, if one can share hard times with others, it comes back to you big time. People do care and we were so grateful to have “our village”. Even with the support, the hours seemed to move in slow motion. We tried to go back to sleep but it didn’t really happen.

And then around 12:30 pm, California time we received a call from Tyler. He let us know that our son was successfully delivered to the Wilderness Program, safe and sound! Whew, what a relief! He shared that our son was completely compliant and polite during the trip. The transport went very smoothly.

The only question that our son asked was “How long will I be gone?”
The answer, “A short time”. The real answer was most likely between 6-12 weeks. But I’m getting ahead of the story. Be sure to keep following the MY WARRIOR MOM LIFE Blog to get all the details!

Tyler asked if we had any questions for him.
“Did our son know what was happening? Was he suspicious at all?”
“No, he was very surprised”, was the response. “He was very quiet, the whole way there”.
“Did he sleep on the trip?”
“Yes”, according to Tyler. (No, when we later asked our son. He just pretended to be asleep.)
“Did he eat anything?” we asked. “No, not really”, according to Tyler. (So much for the bottled water and Hershey’s bar I sent along!)
“Did he take his retainer, with his two false teeth attached to it?”
“No, he said he lost it”, said Tyler.
(After a couple of years of braces, this was the second custom retainer that he lost in just a few months time! And this one was only two days old! What? That was $700 down the drain! I was angry after hearing that! More on that later!)

We thanked Tyler and told him that he was one of our “angels”! We said that we would be happy to recommend him and his company’s services to anyone needing a transport team like we did. Tyler was happy to help. He would turn right around and do the same trip in reverse to make it back home later that same night. Within days, I filled out the questionnaire sent by the transport company and gave everyone high marks!

Within moments of our call with Tyler, we received a call from the Wilderness Program saying that our son was being checked in and about to pick up his clothing and gear. Shortly after that he would be examined by the staff physician and would join up with his new group. I could feel the numbness of our exhausting day beginning to wear off. Whew, what a relief! Our son was safe!

What would this new journey hold for our teen? Would he be angry with us forever for sending him to a Wilderness Program without his knowledge? Could he understand why we decided to send him? So many questions were in the air. Stay tuned to find out the answers.

Full of hope and relief,

WARRIOR MOM

One of My Toughest Days Ever

The night of the transport finally arrived. I had spoken to the Lead Interventionist earlier in the week as to what to expect. He was so nice and caring and it made it a lot easier to know what was going to happen, in advance. There would be two men, both trained professionals in this field, to make this transport work. Neither would lay a finger on our son. They use encouraging words and positive speech to get a kid from Point A to Point B. And they have years of experience. Some might have even been a troubled youth in their own past.

In our case, Point A was a small town in the San Francisco Bay Area and Point B was a small town in southern Idaho. It was all planned out. They would arrive at our house at 3am. We would meet outside to go over the “script” and get on the same page with them. At this time, we put our little doggy in our car, since we were going to leave the premises in a bit, too.

As we greeted the two men, we saw how calm and confident they were. We hugged them immediately because we had come to think of them as our “angels”. I had read testimonials from other parents who had been through this exact moment and one of them called the men “angels”. So we did too. And that’s how we were able to get through this most difficult moment. One of the toughest since we had been parents, without a doubt!

We were very concerned that our son would be angry with us and not go along with the plan. We had no idea what his reaction would be and how long it would take to get him out of the house. The average time is about an hour or so, we were told. They always have a Plan B, just in case there is resistance. The goal was to take an early morning flight out of Oakland International Airport. At no time would our son be left alone. One man drives, the other takes the plane and a third man meets them on the other end to drive the rest of the way to the Wilderness Program.

The four of us walked into our son’s bedroom (the room without a door). I turned on the light. He looked pretty much awake and sat up, a little surprised. I said in a calm voice (I never knew I could be an actress until this moment), “Leo and Tyler are going to take you to a Wilderness Program today and they will take very good care of you. We love you.” My son rolled over towards his wall and then I caught a glance and a wink from Tyler”. I think he meant, “We’ve got this”.

We left the house very quickly and started driving towards the downtown area of town. It was surreal and very emotional. All the time we had been trying to decide what to do for our struggling teenager was coming to a climax. In less than twenty minutes we received a text that they were “On our way”. What? How is that even possible? “The phone is on the charger”. OMG! That hasn’t happened in two years. How did they do that?

I was able to pack our son a small bag, for the trip. In it was bottle of water, a candy bar and a Star Wars book. He left with the clothes on his back because he would be given everything he needed at the Wilderness Program once he arrived.

Come back tomorrow to see how the rest of my son’s trip went. Were there any hiccups on beginning of his new journey?

Feeling HUGE relief and a bag of mixed emotions,

WARRIOR MOM

One More Day….

My son was on a downward spiral before Wilderness

We completed all the paperwork for the Wilderness Program. We arranged for the transport company to come and take our sixteen year old son, in the middle of the night, without his knowledge. And yes, it is absolutely the one of the most difficult decisions a parent can ever make. But we had a chance to save his live. That’s it.

We had to think of it in a positive way. His life was spiraling downward. We were finding out about alcohol incidents that previously had been just marijuana use. Our house was like a hotel to him during the three weeks of summer vacation. He slept there, ate a late night meal there and was gone for the rest of the time. With who knows whom and who knows where. He was checking in less and less and I was always worried.

I called his friends, I texted his friends. They were really getting annoyed with me asking questions, but what else could I do? He seemed depressed and anxious at the same time. On the afternoon before the “big night” he asked me to take him to get some electronic supplies. I reluctantly said, “Fine.” On the way out of town, I rear ended a tow truck in front of his old middle school. Things like that happen for a reason. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but when I asked my son to retrieve our license plate which fell of the car into the intersection, he said, “No way, do you want me to get hit?”. WOW, thanks for caring, is what I felt. He got out of the car and started walking home when I told him that I wasn’t taking him to buy anything.

I tried to not think about what was ahead later that evening, so I went to try my hand at the game of pickle ball with a friend. It was a great distraction and an awesome workout. I ran into a couple of moms who were from our nursery school many year ago. As we talked, they asked about our son. I told them the whole story. Talk about stopping a conversation. I was very emotional.

The night before that we had a nice dinner with our son and the friend who took him to school during the last weeks of his freshman year. It was a thank you dinner to the friend and we all had a great time. Except, we knew what was coming and they did not. It was so hard not spilling the beans and acting natural, but we hung on and were able to do it. We talked about fun things we liked to do and of the future. It was surreal!

For some unknown reason, our son was home by 8:30 or 9pm the night of the transport. He watched some movies on his phone in his room and then started making grilled cheese sandwiches around 11 or 12 pm. I heard cereal being poured into a bowl after that. There were lots of noises coming from the kitchen. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I had an alarm set for 2:55 am. The guys (two large men: one played in the NFL and the other was bigger!) texted to say they would be arriving at 3 am. As soon as they arrive, we would go over the game plan first before anything else, outside the front gate.

Come back to the blog tomorrow to hear how it all went.

Trying to stay calm,

WARRIOR MOM

Shhhush…It’s a Secret

After filling out the LONG online application for the Wilderness Program our son would be going to, we were given a TO DO list a mile long to make it happen. And we had to keep all of this a secret and under wraps or he would resist. The list of things we needed to get accomplished was scheduling a physical exam with the pediatrician, getting an up-to-date dental exam, ordering another retainer (since he lost one previously) and a finding a host of other things that needed to be scanned. I needed to find his report cards, student ID and get images of the front and back of the health insurance card. We needed to re-arrange big money and free up some room on our credit cards in order to pay for everything.

It seemed overwhelming but it actually gave me an action list of things TO DO each day, so I was occupied. The last thing I wanted to do was to tip our hand and give away the Big Secret. So, we went on lock down. Any conversation we had with friends and family was on a different topic. No more posts on Facebook. The hardest part was that I still had to converse with other parents of our son, since he went “missing in action” a number of nights. I told them nothing.

My son would take his cell phone, but then go to places that had little or no coverage. He would take an extra charger, yet his phone would go “dead”. What a pain it was to try and communicate with him. Things couldn’t get worse, could they? YES! However, I knew we were on the right track, when at my son’s physical appointment, I asked to speak privately to the Doctor before he gave the exam. I told him what was up, and he firmly “shook” my hand when I told him our plan. “Way to go!” he said. I felt empowered. This was the same doctor that examined our two day old infant son and said he was a bit jaundiced so, “Give him a sun bath” for a few minutes. The same doctor that treated a young boy with the stomach flu and pink eye. Now we were dealing with not going to school, screen addiction and marijuana. How did this happen? No one tells you it actually gets harder, not easier!

The last piece of the puzzle was giving the final okay to the Wilderness program and setting up the transport company. It was getting down to the wire. There was one final spot saved for our son for the end of June or we would have to wait another month to begin. NO MORE WAITING! We confirmed the dates and then had to get through three seemingly long weeks without giving the secret away. Find out if we did it in tomorrow’s blog post.

Breathing a sigh of relief,

WARRIOR MOM

The Tipping Point in Our Decision

Our Tipping Point

It was strikingly clear that our decision was the right one. Wilderness it was. But how would we know which one? Our Education Consultant said it was all about the people. And she knew most of them working at these places, from her years in the field. She also said don’t go looking around the internet because they can all paint a wonderful picture with a well done website, which made perfect sense.

I wanted to get a sense of what the therapy part of the Wilderness programs were like, so a family member gave me a set of videos from their child’s experience six years before at a program in Utah. I watched it and started to get sense what a gift the nature component played in helping kids. Their brains needed to have the serenity of the earth and it’s elements to relax and change.

The world was moving too quickly for some and out of control for many, including my son. Along with his ADHD which appears to create a lag in his development, so does using massive amounts of technology. The cherry on top was the abuse of substances like marijuana. So my fifteen year old was at least two years behind in his emotional development. WOW!

I was at my rope’s end so I posted something on Facebook that showed my vulnerability. It said something like: “Not sure what the future holds, private school, boarding school or wilderness?” Very simple, but lots of my friends responded. “Hang in there!” and “This too shall pass” were in the comments back to me. And then along side of my posting was an ad for Blue Fire Wilderness. It said something like “Wilderness Therapy Programs can help get kids and teens lives back on track – Call today”.

So I called. A very sympathetic voice answered and talked with me for about forty-five minutes. He was so caring and helpful by answering my questions that I wanted to check it out. In fact he told me he knew our Ed. Consultant. So we mentioned this place to her and though it was fairly new (since 2014), it was in the same location as a well known program before it, so she knew a little bit about it from that perspective.

We filled out the online application which is daunting to say the least. I was like a “mad woman” typing quickly to fill in all the questions of what led us to the position we were in currently. We did compare it to another program that our Ed. Consultant suggested and it was a toss up. Both were exactly what we were looking for. The tipping point had to do with Equine Therapy and the activity based model that Blue Fire Wilderness used.

The other program was outstanding and I also filled out an application there, too. Boy what a ton of work, but it was formalizing our need to send our son. A big question was the cost. These places are not cheap. Seriously, not cheap (over $500 per day, yes per day!) We are still waiting to hear if were will get any compensation from our insurance company, but we worked on our finances and increased our line of credit and we were off to the races. It’s only money right, when you are talking about saving your son’s life?

Come back tomorrow to see how we kept this secret in the weeks before the admission date was scheduled. There were many ducks to put into a row, it kept us all very busy!

Getting Stronger,

WARRIOR MOM

Our Day to Day Baloney

As each day ended, I would take a deep breath and say to myself, “Well, got through another day”. Honestly, that is no way to live! The stress was killing us! We had to come to a decision of how we were going to get more help, and quick.

We talked to therapists, consultants, school administrators, friends and fellow parents about private schools, boarding schools, boot camps, alternative schools and wilderness programs. We continued to encourage our son to go to his weekly therapy session that cost a bundle. We read books and blogs about teens. We talked to family members who worked in schools and in counseling. We had to exhaust all possibilities before making the last resort decision of wilderness.

Then as the session with our son’s psychiatrist was finishing up, the Doctor called me into the office, alone.
“Did you know that your son was HIGH today for his appointment?” he asked.
“No, really?” I sighed. “Well that’s it. He is so going to Wilderness!” I exclaimed.
What a blow that was and how sad I felt. This was not going to be easy, but we had no other choice. It was a matter of saving his life. He was only fifteen!

The next day I called a “transport company” recommended by our Education Consultant. They explained how they worked and what was involved in getting our son to a wilderness program. I took notes so I would remember, because my brain was now in a huge blanket of fog. I asked some questions and went online to fill out the application and paperwork.

Wow, this was getting very REAL! But it actually was decided for us. NONE of us could continue to deal with the day to day “BALONEY” (you fill in any word you like here) that consumed our family. It had to stop and we needed more help.

That weekend I made another call, too. This one was to the Wilderness Program we selected. There were many considerations. Come back to tomorrow to find out how we chose the place we did! “Hello, my son is flunking out of school and smoking marijuana everyday and never gets off his phone……Can you help us?”

Tearfully,

WARRIOR MOM

A Friend Cares….

A Friend Cares

My son has a friend who is just plain awesome. She cares about him and she stays above the fray! She is a gift. How so? Well it goes like this…..

My son decided that going to school wasn’t in his wheel house. He decided to just stay home. I would call his absence into the office or I would let the record show that he didn’t attend. I did it both ways. Finally I got a call from the Administration. Wow they noticed. How about that? They didn’t think he was a real truant, just someone failing his classes. Hmm….This went on for weeks. He didn’t get arrested. He didn’t go to school. I just stayed home from work to watch him. A really productive time for me and for him too!

So, as the school year was coming to a close, with just three weeks left, my son’s friend pounded on the front window of our house! I answered the door and she said, “I’ve come to take your child to school!” I said, “Come on in….go get him!” Off they went. He was so happy to have someone care, that it was totally worth it!

As so, she was able to do what no one else had be able to do. She got him to school. Day after day, she knocked at 7:20-7:30 AM and they walked, or rode bikes, and he went to school. It was a miracle. Then one day, she didn’t arrive….well, you can guess the rest….he didn’t go that day. She had overslept and was so apologetic when we saw her the following week.

During my daily noon time walk, I saw some high school kids hanging out near the creek, a couple blocks away from campus. Who were they? Yup, our son and some of his not so good influences. So while he was getting TO school, it didn’t actually translate to his going to his classes. I didn’t even care, he was out of the house. I was getting really tired of his Freshman year!

Our goal was to get to the end of the school year in one piece. And we had other plans starting to formulate. Come back tomorrow to find out what we where up to! Countdown……

Still caring and hopeful,

WARRIOR MOM

Self Care to the Rescue

The weeks following our Spring Break Disneyland trip were up and down and it became very clear that we needed to take care of ourselves. I asked my therapist what exactly does “take care of yourself” really mean? She explained it was about doing things that you like, along with getting plenty of exercise. I’ve also heard it explained like when the flight attendant tells parents to put the oxygen mask on first, then assist your child. You come first, or you can’t help your kid!

The community pool up the street re-opened in April. I began swimming in that pool five to six days a week. My routine was not hard core, but a slow and steady series of laps that were more like “water aerobics”. Sitting elementary back stroke, breast stroke and a rock climbing motion through the water were just a few of the moves I did. I would increase my time each day until I reached an average of 45 minute work-outs. Boy, did I feel good after getting out of the pool. The water had a calming effect that I was craving. It was my much needed escape.

Another activity that I enjoy is shooting baskets. So after leaving the neighborhood pool, I would pass a school yard that had many basketball hoops. What do you know? There were some basketballs lying around. So, I started to shoot. First close up shots, then free-throws and then further away, three point style. I didn’t make them all, but I shot and shot until I made 50 points (25 baskets). That activity felt good too. I was beginning to get the idea of self-care.

Self Care includes shooting baskets

I was actually enjoying myself in the middle of a “teenage storm” at our house. I still felt crummy a lot of the time, but as I tried to “be in the moment” and “put one foot in front of the other”. I was beginning to feel a little bit of relief, too. In fact, I highly recommend that you find your own personal activities to aid you in the self-help arena. What types of activities or hobbies give you pleasure? What is something that you’ve always wanted to take up? Or, what things have you put aside from your past that you can re-kindle? I was finally understanding what people meant when they told me “take care of yourself”.

Keeping my eye on the ball!

WARRIOR MOM

Let’s Go to Disneyland

Teacups at Disneyland

Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth! So what better way to get our family mojo back but to take a driving trip from NorCal to Anaheim during Spring Break. We had the brilliant idea of inviting our nephew to join us and that turned out to be a life saver. We had such a great time and a week of togetherness and happiness. But could it last?

Our son and his cousin have a special relationship built on a time when he lived with us for one and half years in his early 20’s. He was getting on his feet after some tough times, but we all enjoyed our shared time together. The two are about ten years apart and our son looks up to his “chill” cousin (that’s a good thing!). They both love computers, gaming and have similar music tastes, so the long drive was very pleasant surprise. We have always said that our son travels well! And that was the exact case with this adventure.

The trip almost didn’t happen. The Friday before the vacation, our son decided he would just stay home in bed and not go to school. It was becoming a regular practice but there was not much we could do about it. He was bigger than we were and he ignored any attempts in regular conversation. The practice of the day was “just keeping the peace”. After 3pm (about the time school would have be out of session), our son came out of his room and started watching Star Wars movies in the family room. He seemed happier and so “we ran with it”. After watching about three different movies, we said that we were going to change gears and turn on something else.

It was not clear what triggered his rage, but he didn’t like what we said and threw the remote control from the TV at us. It missed the TV, but hit one of us. It was escalating quickly. I said that I was going to call the Police and he rushed us trying to get our iPhone. We were very clear with him that if he demonstrated any physical behavior it would result in our calling the cops. He said he was leaving. I’ve never seen him move so quickly, but he put on shoes and grabbed his backpack and he left the house.

The police showed up right away and another cop car stopped our son and told him to get in. It was not something that we took lightly but we were showing that if we said something, we meant it and they wouldn’t be just “hollow words”. Our son was very polite and listened to the officers as they said this was a warning and his behavior was not acceptable. We were in fact making a strong point, that our safety was paramount.

This happened about ten pm on that Friday night. The next few days were peaceful and quiet. We had no idea if our trip on Wednesday would even be possible. But as with many things, as time passes by, so do ill feelings and actions. Our nephew showed up at our designated departure time and off we went as planned a few days after our traumatic incident happened.

Our new tone was set and we showed him that we would be setting boundaries that couldn’t be broken. It is a really hard thing to admit that we had to call the cops on our son, but we know it was the right thing to do.

As we were standing in line to meet Darth Vader and saw our son’s smiling face when he met the Star Wars icon, we knew that at least for a moment, we could be happy together. Inside this young person was someone that was lost and needed to find himself again.

The trip was a success and we headed home after a few days at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Full of Love,

WARRIOR MOM

Darth Vader